Let me tell you what I have been processing for the last 4 months. This came to me on one of my last runs (about 3 months ago) while running through the woods at one of favorite places to run Lake Stimpson. As any run of mine- its a time for me to check out, listen to music and listen for God. A song came on by NeedtoBreathe that almost brought me to my knees and had tears rolling down my cheeks. This song helped me distiguish what I was feeling inside and what I was scared for. I felt like the Lord was telling me -"Rhonda, I have been there and I know what you are going to have to go through, because I too have had to endure something I wasn't sure I could make it through. I have sacrificed something for you that you can taste and see is good."
I had known at this time the condition that Esther was facing and was wrestling with what God was going to bring with this. This song spoke volumes to me helping me understand what I was going to have to go through with Esther. Helping me understand how much Jesus relates with us and has been there in more ways than we can imagine. This song talks about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. It was the night before he will be hung on the cross for our sins. It was his ultimate sacrifice for us to receive eternal life with him. He knows what he is about to face, but is agonizing in the garden of Gethsemane over it. He asks his disciples to sit and wait while he prays for what is coming. He was in sorrow and troubled. He was overwhelmed with this sorrow to the point of death, knowing what he was about to face and knowing for a time he would be separated from his father. He asks "Father, if this is possible, take this cup from me. Yet not my will but yours be done." The cup was the symbol of deep sorrow and suffering and being alone in the pain. Not only was he alone in the garden while his disciples kept falling asleep, but he did not want to be separate from his father at the moment he died on the cross. Jesus knew that he was about to face death on the cross, but was terrified of what was ahead.
The song I listened to that day by needtobreathe spoke of what Jesus might have been saying that day. The ultimate sacrifice he made for you and I. The words in this song I also feel in my heart as I am so close to having Esther and the unknown of what is ahead. The things I am terrified to face. I have asked the Lord a few times in my life "please, take this cup from me. For I can not face what is ahead of me. I don't know if I have the strength to do it." As you read the lyrics of this song this is what my heart is saying too.
Here it is Needtobreathe: The Garden
My heart is scared for what is ahead. I know that I am not dying on the cross as Jesus did, but I know that he asking Jason and I to sacrifice something for him. So as we also enter Good Friday and Jesus' day of Resurrection- let us remember what he sacrificed for us. Thank you father for enduring far beyond what I could ever imagine or come near. For me!!!!
In closing, Jason reminded me the other day of this reality when I said to him while I was full of fear- "Man, we did not sign up for this." He gently reminded me- "Rhonda, yes we did. The moment we became Christians, we did." For life is not easy for any of us as we walk closely next to him. But it is so worth it. Thank you so much Lord. For a husband that is my rock. Someone who reminds me that this is "our normal, " with our story of Esther and its trial ahead. Most of all, that God is going to be glorified in this as we continue to stretch out our hands to him and gently say "Lord, please take this cup from me, but not my will but yours be done." I pray that what we sing to the Lord during this time will bring joy to him. That the notes we choose, will be his favorite tune and that our heart will remain after him.