Rhonda and Jason

Rhonda and Jason
Our Wedding Day

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Jason's thoughts on this CDH diagnosis

Don't really know how to start this, but felt the need to have a little father to be input that seems to be missing from any other blog we've seen.  I'm not much on back story and build up, so forgive me as I hit the ground running.

Last Wednesday got a phone call after our ultra sound appointment.  A Doc we don't know, and have never met, tells us "Sorry to be calling with this news, but your ultra sound showed the baby's heart displaced to the right side and this indicates a hernia in the diaphragm allowing intestines and the stomach into the chest cavity".  I am a registered nurse and work in our local hospital.  I have never heard of this before.  My wife's co worker recently gave birth to a child whose abdominal contents developed outside of her body (I had heard of this) but this was the first I'd heard of "CDH".

We had planned a celebratory dinner with the opening of an envelope with a picture of the ultra sound that gave the sex of our baby.  We went ahead with dinner and came home to the EVIL internet to be scared out of our minds (more me than her, she evidently didn't read the statistics I had).

We discussed the blessing God has given us in choosing us for this.  Of course the inevitable selfish thoughts entered our heads as well (why us? so many have healthy babies who don't want or care for them blah, blah, blah), but we are committed to honoring Christ in this.  I do not want to come across as self righteous or prideful in this.  I only know what God's word commands me to do.  No matter how difficult.

So I want you to know exactly what I have been feeling during this and see how God, His son Christ Jesus, and the Holy spirit are changing me and molding me into what I need to be.

Initially, looking at the internet, all I could do is visualize what our daughter is going to go through!  To go from the comfort of my wife's body into stranger's hands.  Not allowed to cry, but having a tube forced into her lungs, lines inserted into her umbilicus and drugs pouring into her system fogging out touch, sound, sight, smell.  Born into immediate suffering?  In my desire to defend her I was broken by helplessness.

When I told Rhonda about this, she calmly stated "I am just thankful for whatever God gives us with her.  A minute, a day, year or years."  And the spirit comforted me with those words.

Since those initial moments we have both had a hard day or two (tomorrow will be a week since the news) but can honestly feel the Lord with us.  I lost my oldest brother nearly 9 years ago and remember vividly how the reality of the world seems to "thin" and the tangible nature of Christ through the Holy spirit is SO PRESENT.

Now we are commanded to bring our troubles and worry before the Lord and give them to Him "For who by worrying, can add another day to his life?"  And that is what the Spirit has me focusing on now.

Today, our baby is healthy and safe in her mother's body.  There is nothing the creator of all cannot accomplish.  My will, may not be His, and His will is perfect, even if I'm unable to see the outcome of His plans.

Yesterday I was angry, couldn't help myself, kept fighting self pity and continued to seek God out in it.

Today was joyful, because God trusts me with His child, and I am honored.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for being so honest, Jason. Esther is so blessed to have you as her father. John and I are praying for you both as our family, and will be there for "a minute, a day, a year or years". Whatever God has in store, little Esther has impacted us all already, and we love her dearly. I was angry today for the first time, and I suspect that it won't be the last, but your post softened my heart a bit, and for today that is enough. Much love. Cynthia