Rhonda and Jason

Rhonda and Jason
Our Wedding Day

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

fragile

Fragile.  Not just Esther, but us as well.  Had a few moments this morning where I was ready to crumble. Strength that is unexplainable holds me up.  In a world that encourages us to trust in ourselves, "look out for #1", and you need to take care of you, God is the only lasting and unbreakable strength.
Since surgery seemed to go over without issue and the days since have been relatively event free, I think we kinda let our guard down.  We maybe stopped depending wholly on God and began to "lean on our own understanding".
There is such a valuable lesson we are learning.  Staying diligent and allowing God to "be God" is the struggle.  He shines through and it is blindingly bright, but so easy to turn our backs and look to ourselves.  Proverbs speaks abundantly about "sluggards" and those that are "diligent".  One worthless and wasting talent, the other prosperous and glorifying God.  Sometimes that work is not physical, not witnessing to unbelievers or working in the church, but staying focused on giving up your life completely to God.
As for Esther this morning, I am comforted.  One step at a time.  Staff actually seemed a little more concerned with Rhonda and I this morning than the events to come with Esther.  God's grace pours from them.  The doctors now are planning for 12:30ish.
I don't write this blog to convince you that Jesus Christ is Lord.  That is not God's purpose either.  We have all been given free will.  God does not force us, like an abused spouse, to love Him.  He gives us the choice.  I really just want to share how God makes my life joyful.  How, in my weakest and lowest place, He meets me and lifts me above it all.  God gives my marriage it's strength.  God makes my job a privilege.  He makes struggle and trial meaningful.  I fail and fall short, but He loves me and forgives me without end.  I want to be more like Jesus.  I want to love unconditionally.  I want to trust in our awesome God.

16 comments:

  1. Sharing the truth about your struggles with Esther, your faith, your "human-ness", is what makes this blog so wonderful. Again and again, you show us through your personal examples, that God is always there for us - even when we don't give him our full attention. I am inspired by your faith, and I think your writing is a gift. Thank you for sharing both with all of us!

    This trial is surely a marathon and you will have times when you will hit "the wall". Allow others to take care of you when you need it. I continue to pray for Esther, as well as for the both of you.

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  2. Thanks for your openness about your faith, your struggles and the struggles of little Esther - all the things we use to pray for each of you and its not just the three of you but all the doctors, nurses, family and friends that are supporting you. May you feel God's closeness to you both and to Esther. We have walked a similar walk with you in giving birth to twins almost 35 years ago. Maybe one day I can share my story with you but now is not the time. God bless and may He keep you strong and give Esther all the strength she needs to fight this battle and win.

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  3. We continue to pray for your family. :)

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  4. Praying. Praying. Praying. May you feel the Lord's presence at all times.

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  5. Hold on to you faith and rest in our Lord. For a lift check baby Jude's latest report after 2nd surgery (Just Enough for Enough Journey)for their good news. Prayers can be answered.

    And praying for you all.

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  6. Jennifer ChildressMay 1, 2012 at 8:38 PM

    You are continuously in my thoughts! Hang in there and fight on Esther!!

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  7. Hugs!! These are the rough days. I am so glad you have your faith to get you through. I remember the soul-deep weariness you feel when day after day your baby is struggling and you can't see the progress that you want. Many, many prayers for a good day today and for comfort and peace.
    Hugs,
    Jennifer
    Mom to Dakota 12-25-2008
    RCDH/premie/ECMO survivor
    jennifertrafton@hotmail.com

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  8. I can hear the Holy Spirit speaking to you and thru you. I am in awe of Precious Esther's Pappa and Mommy - Every day there is a "gift" - a testimony, a picture or a praise song. I pray that the Spirit will lead you both to take some "refresher" time without guilt; while working in pediatric oncology when a parent did "let go" and trusted me with their precious child - it was a gift from them and Papa- watching a precious child fight to live can either make you lose your faith or trust Him beyond our understanding. (when I am weak, He is strong). Praying without ceasing and holding the vision of Precious Esther on the swing with Pappa and Mommy. Upper Room sister in Christ

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  9. Bless you for your words today and the reminder to lean on Him and not our own understanding. Thanks for sharing your struggle. It brings meaning to my own life. Prayers for you and your little one.
    -Raina

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  10. My heart is breaking for you. No parent should have to experience what you are living through... I pray that God will carry you in His hand through all that lies ahead.
    Mary Ann in Winston-Salem, NC
    grandmother to CDH baby Clara...

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  11. I just want to let you know that I have shared your story with all of my babyfit mamas and we are all praying for your sweet baby Esther and for your family...i am touched by your story, by your daughter, the reminders of our own son's struggles as a newborn, and most of all by your powerful sense of Faith....you are inspirational! I will continue to pray for you baby girl and for the both of you...praying for a miracle and sending hugs!

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  12. Dear Jason and Rhonda;
    Thank-you for sharing your story. I was especially convicted by Rhonda's "John 17" post. Please know that people who are complete strangers to you are praying for your beloved daughter and her precious parents. Our God reigns......

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  13. Jason & Rhonda

    Just saw an update from Rachel Roosma said things are very critical right now 6:15 p.m. your time. Please know I am praying for you and your family. My hubby and I have walked where you are walking right this minute and though these are only words, please know that you are not alone, even when you feel no one else knows how you are feeling. Hugs to you both. And may God comfort each of you during the next days.

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  14. I don't know you but I have been following your journey. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. I rejoice because your sweet baby Esther is being cradled in the arms of God whole and new...but my heart breaks for your empty arms. My prayers continue as your journey continues without her.

    Ann

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  15. Hi I found your blog from the Kimmels, I am so very sorry you had to say goodbye to your sweet baby. What a beautiful testimony you are!

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